Last night, I didn’t sleep well. I had a dream that replayed a hostile environment I busted. However, when it replayed that hostile environment, the person I was after was a guy who has crossed me too much lately.
In the dream, I was back at that table in front of organizers. Though it wasn’t the organizers. It was the leaders that I answer to. And the feelings were back – I paced back and forth while saying “You did this. You did this. You did this. You did this. I’m done with you.” 😳
Now the hostile environment that replayed in my dream is one I don’t talk of much. However, as quick as that situation came on, those organizers shut that situation down. I was able to go back to the impacted team, let them know how things played out, gave them the okay to go the right direction, and watched them come out with peace and awesome despite their former “leader” making poor choices.
But… Why now?
I’ve been dealing with some awful situations off and on since last year. The one I was after in the dream is the one who has caused a bunch of the awfulness.
The “You did this. You did this. You did this. You did this. I’m done with you.” is how I handled the real-life hostile environment. If there’s anything you should know about me, I’m a documenter – and it comes in handy when busting hostile environments. So in my dream, I was replaying all the things that have happened – which I also have documented for the most part.
Wait… You mentioned busting environmentS… so more than once?!
These are the stories that typically remain untold. I’ve dealt with busting multiple hostile environments in my past. Each time, documentation and facts have gotten problems resolved and peace restored. Each time, I’ve been a part of the busting story as well as the healing story. It’s not a role I enjoy but it’s a necessary role because I’ve got the skills to sort through the chaos, break it up, and remind people that these things aren’t their faults. I’ve got the skills to help teams rebuild after turmoil and find their peace. I don’t know why, but that’s just a part of who I am. These stories remain untold for the most part because they aren’t easy stories to tell nor easy stories to hear.
But wait… What about you? Are you ok?
No, I’m not ok. But yet, I will be ok. I have some friends who have been my sounding board and who know why I make some of the decisions that I do. They know why I fight the fight, even when I’m beyond tired of it all. They remind me that I’ve got this, even though I feel like I don’t. And when I have to write with a heavy pen, I know that they’ll be there for me, drying my tears of frustration and encouraging me to tell my story.